A startling new report of scandal has reached us from one year old Harrison. Harrison shared with The Lumpy Mother News Team that he has been regularly mistreated in his home. “She would place torture devices on my feet and head-scratchy knit apparatuses they refer to as ‘socks’ and ‘hats’. She didn’t care how many times I screamed or pulled them off. She repeatedly put them back on,” he reveals to us. “She’s a sick woman,” he says, referring to his mother.
Meal times are a whole additional type of maltreatment. Allegedly, Mom refuses to feed him more than two pancakes for breakfast-leaving him practically starving for two hours until snack time. “And she once made me sit in my chair with a dirty diaper for three entire minutes while she tried to pour milk for my sister. You would think she’d be in a big hurry to correctly dispose of my feces.”
Allegedly at night his mother and father team up to trap him in a cage-sometimes even going so far as to straight-jacket him into blankets. “There are even bars on the sides.” And before she puts him in the cage she forces him to ‘pay the snuggle toll’. “It’s a miserable experience.” He adds that when he does want to cuddle, it always seems to be a time that’s ‘inconvenient’ to her-like using the toilet or making a business call.
On top of all that, Harrison informs us that she is immensely mortifying in public situations. “She continually insists on kissing me on the head and smushing my cheeks together. It’s completely unbearable, especially when she drops me off at the babysitter’s in front of my friends.”
His big sister backs up most of these accusations, telling The Lumpy Mother that she use to be the subject of these tortures herself. “It’s still bad for me sometimes. Just yesterday she cut my grilled cheese sandwich into squares instead of triangles. We live with barbarians.”
There has been no word yet as to whether or not any charges will be pressed against these unfit parents. The Lumpy Mother will make sure to keep you regularly posted.