To Whom It May Concern at my local Trampoline Park,
I recently visited your establishment with my extended family, and while we had a fabulous time I have a simple request.
I am a mother of two, which means I have pushed two bowling balls out of my…undercarriage. (Not at the same time.) Such activities have particular transformations upon a woman’s body. I once read an article by a woman who says her bellybutton now permanently looks like a cat’s butthole. And while that is truth, I’m talking about the loosening of other things.
Let’s just say that one powerful sneeze can send me to change my underwear. So you can imagine what happens when I violently vault myself repeatedly into the air. If not, let me explain: I will urinate. And by ‘will’ I mean ‘did’. Do you know what happens when I pee myself? Like any other civilized human I start to laugh in a crazed manner. And you know what happens when I start to laugh in a crazed manner? I pee more. Thus begins a vicious and wet cycle.
Just in case you’re asking: “Natalie, is this just a weird story you’re making up in an attempt to gain (or lose) readers?”
Nope. Well…I would love more readers but this is not a made up story. I peed all over that trampoline park. For confirmation you can ask my husband, who had to sit next to a woman who smelled like pee the entire ride home. He says it reminded him of the Chicago transit when he lived in Wrigleyville.
So my suggestion, to whomever can make major decisions at the trampoline park near me, is to add some kind of Depends dispenser in the woman’s bathroom. Don’t even think about those useless pantyliners-because this wasn’t a sneeze pee…this was something of an entirely different level. I’m going to need complete coverage and support next time. Like a good sports bra. Because even though I may be the only one admitting it, I know I’m not the only one who has done it before.
And my serious advice to all the moms out there heading to a similar trampoline park sometime soon-wear yourself some black leggings or yoga pants. And bring a towel to sit on for the car ride home.