1. Smell diaper from five feet away. Look at clock to see approximately how long until significant other arrives home. Three hours. Too long to try and pass it onto him.
2. Search through purse, backpack, diaperbag, and car before finally finding diaper in toybox. Make mental note to add diapers to grocery list.
3. Find nearest clutter-free surface. Tends to be most difficult step. This time, the best choice is toddler’s art table. Lay child on said surface. Make mental note to clean.
4. Unzip child’s bodysuit. Realize poo, in true rocketpoop fashion, has mushed all the way up to his shoulderblades. Peel outfit off child. Consider throwing it in the trash instead of trying to wash it. Realize you’ve done this to two other outfits in the last two weeks and decide to wash it. Make mental note to add Shout to grocery list.
5. Officially open diaper. Stuff bottom of face into shirt collar. Choke at smell of personal body odor, but decide better off than smell of poop.
6. Stare at poop. Wonder if that color poop is normal when child only drinks breastmilk. Why is it so runny? What are those weird flecks? Would this be considered diarrhea? Doctor said to contact him if there was diarrhea. Consider taking picture to send to doctor. Decide otherwise.
7. Start wiping up runny poop. Try not to notice when baby smiles as you clean around his junk.
8. Boy starts to pee. With a stream that stretches four feet he hits: window, dog’s face, three barbies, and computer keyboard. Dog suddenly becomes very interested. Make mental note to add disinfectant wipes to grocery list.
9. Put new diaper on child. Place child back in swing. Throw away diaper and pile of wipes in trash can. Smell last few days of diapers when can opens. Make mental note to add Febreeze and trash bags to grocery list.
***FIVE MINUTES LATER***
10. Realize there is poop under fingernail. Try to remember everything touched in last five minutes. Face? Toddler? Remote control? Sandwhich? Doornobs?
11. Cut fingernails until they bleed. Make new sandwhich. Set poop sandwhich aside as kind gesture for husband when he gets home.