Five Things You Won’t Read in a Pregnancy Book

The Mountain
An incredible friend of mine informed me this weekend that her and her husband are expecting a baby in September.  (I’ll hold her name in case she hasn’t made it totally public yet.)  We became friends at an exceptionally exhausting and particularly laborous job I had many years ago, so I know she is perfectly fit for mommyhood.  In her honor, I wanted to write a post that was on my mind a lot in the last year.  And so I present to you…
Five Things You Won’t Read in a Pregnancy Book (or maybe you will but it will be downplayed beyond recognition)
1.  A side effect of your raging hormones will be your hair.  All the books will tell you about how super thick and fabulous it will be.  Which it will.  You’ll look like you belong in a shampoo commercial.  People will want to touch it.  It will be the halo to your glow.  I want to warn you that this isn’t just about the hair on your head.  (If we were in person, right now is where I would raise my eyebrows, cock my head, and say “mmhmm” because you KNOW what I mean.)  That’s right.  The hair on your head will straight-up look like Sofia Vergara’s, but from the neck down you’ll suddenly resemble Bigfoot’s second cousin.  Unless, of course, you have a tendency to grow upper lip hair.  Then along with your Sofia hair you’ll have a Ron Burgandy mustache.
2. Enough gas to power Air Force One.  That little human will be ALL about ripping massive farts in populous places like the cereal aisle.  Or at work with people you spend 40 hours a week with.  My husband insisted I talk to my doctor about this because of how much it was effecting his personal well-being. (Her response was, “Tell him to suck it up.”)
3. People get a big case of the stupids when they’re around pregnant women.  A few things grown adults have actually said to me while pregnant:
-“Is that a real baby?”
-“You must be having twins you’re so big.” No, just one baby.
“It must be a boy then at that size.” Actually it’s a girl.  I’m due in three weeks.
“Wow.  It’ll be the longest three weeks of your life.”  Thank you.  I’m known for my patience.
-“Are you sure you can fit?”
-“You must be due any day.” Nope, still have three months.
-“Did you get this big with your first pregnancy?”
(BTW-The only appropriate thing to say to a pregnant woman is “YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.”  Come on people.)
4. There are certain things it will be nearly impossible to do at the end.  Such as shave your woolly mammoth legs, tie your shoes, or paint your toenails.  And then there’s some things you don’t want to think about as much.  Particularly a thing you have to do on the toilet before you stand up and put your pants back on.  You’ll have a lot of roundness in the front of your body, and arms can only stretch so much in certain ways.  Just take a few extra showers to make up for it.
5. Your mouth will forget how to mouth.  The little human will take all the good things your teeth need, which means your gums start to be stupid.  They will bleed like you’re an extra on The Walking Dead.  Every time you spit after brushing you will think “Surely something has broken.”  Along with the blood you will start to drool like a St. Bernard.  Every time you wake up to pee (which will be every two hours) the entire side of your face will be so damp it will start to prune.   And then because of the excessive moisture you’ll break out, which gives that pregnancy glow a slight dappled appearance.
The important thing to remember while all of these things are happening is that you are a warrior for building a human being from scratch.  Seriously.  You’re incredible.
Also that you’re not an elephant, who have a gestational period of 21 months.  Be thankful for that.
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