I have noticed that your lack of sleep and increased mom duties because of our new situation (baby brother) has left you with insufficient patience and tolerance. In order to make your life even the smallest bit easier, I have written down my pre-planned agenda for today. Please study and prepare accordingly.
With my recently attained skills at opening doors, at almost exactly 7 am I will burst into your room and slam the door at a decibel that will traumatize you and daddy and wake up my sleeping baby brother, whom only fell back asleep 15 minutes beforehand.
I have many great activities planned for playtime today. I will sing the ABC’s a minimum of 75 times until you can never ever for the rest of your life get it out of your head. I will take that yarn that you have been keeping on top of the bookcase and run through the entire house holding onto one end. Make sure you clean it up quickly so the dog doesn’t try to eat the first four feet like he did last time when you had to pull it out of his throat as he gagged. Then I will play one of my favorite games, “Find the Scissors.” I understand that you have taken extreme caution to hide all the scissors in the house, but this goes along with another one of my favorite games, “Are You a Good Enough Mother?” You’ll probably realize we’re playing “Find the Scissors” while I am going up and down the stairs with them.
I know we’ve been working on potty training lately, so I promise to sit on it every time you ask. But because pooping in a big porcelain hole is barbaric and unnatural I will wait until 90 seconds after I get off the potty to poop myself instead.
While you cook lunch I will either lie on the ground directly under your feet or wrap my arms around your legs in a sumo hold while screaming “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYI’MHUNGRYI’MHUNGRYMOMMY” in an endless circle.
For my nap I need a glass of water, but I will ONLY accept it if there is at least three ice cubes. And even though you’ll tell me we can only read two books I will use my masterful bargaining skills to convince you to read six.
In the interest of sibling bonding I will start crying or screaming every time baby brother does.
You probably have some very exciting craft planned for this afternoon, and I promise to participate for the first three minutes, leaving you to complete the rest of it on your own. I will, however, still expect all of the credit.
At dinner I will spill two whole glasses of milk on myself and make you change my clothes each time. Then I will only drink 1/4 of the third glass.
I would expect at least three tantrums today. These will come as the mood strikes me so I cannot forewarn you as to what they may be about. I will remind you that recent tantrums have been thrown for the following reasons:
1. You broke my cracker in half and could not put it back together.
2. You weren’t making the correct slurping noises during our tea party.
3. You were coloring with the ONE crayon I wanted out of the 200 scattered around me.
4. You won’t let me hide the salt and pepper shakers in my bottomless box of toys…never to be seen again.
(I would just like to point out these are all YOUR fault. Get yourself together, woman.)
I hope this comprehensive itinerary helps you get through the day without crying… again.
Best of luck,